A lengthy explanation of why I suck at motherhood

I am starting this blog as a confessional. I am a bad mom. This was pointed out to me just a few days ago. Before then, I didn’t think anyone knew my dark secret. Or should I say, our dark secret. Because every mom out there knows she is a bad mom. You know it from the dirty looks you get when your baby is crying in a restaurant. You realize it when you get a call saying your kid just ate ant poison that you neglected to keep out of crawling distance. And it is certainly apparent when your infant screams bloody murder every time you wipe off her face or change her diaper. You obviously aren’t good at it and you probably haven’t tried anything to make it better.

Mae must beg for food and attention.

My roommate and dear friend recently accused of being a bad mom. Well, not so much those words per say, it was more like, “…you act sad about people hurting their children, but your actions don’t match your words.” Ouch. She went on to describe an incident insulting my daughter’s intelligence. Hang me now. It went down is this: My 11-month-old, Mae, and I were chilling. She handed me something and I asked her if she wanted me to read it, and I added, “cause babies aren’t smart enough to read,” in a singsong voice. My friend says what happens next is the telltale that Mae was offended: my daughter refused to share her apple with me because she was picking up on my negativity.

Oh, but my accuser had more ammo than just me insulting my baby (and 1-year-olds everywhere)’s intelligent. Way worse. I am letting my daughter be poisoned.

After Mae’s one-year check up I found out that she had a blood lead level of 4. I immediately freaked out. I called the county and ordered a test kit for our water. I reported Mae’s elevated lead level on the lead safety line. I panicked. I cried. 

I called the lead line and discussed lead prevention and protection for a solid hour with the county expert. I got a filter, promised to flush the pipes each morning, and get Mae tested again at 15 months. I also ordered a test kit for our water, although the dude said that if it was coming from the tap then the flush and filter method is going to keep us pretty darn safe. 

Another mama friend of mine also got her pipes tested. She said it takes forever to receive the kit in the mail, and forever for the county to get back with you about the results. So I waited, waited, waited. After a month I called and left a message. And then two weeks after that I called again and left messages with two different offices. Finally I got a call back. I guess my request had disappeared. Maybe I didn’t follow the teleprompt system correctly. Anyway, a new kit was on its way.

            Because I neglected to test the water for this period of time, I deserve significant berating. It is apparent that I do not care for my child or the health of my family. I was naïve to trust the lead expert from the county.

            So here I am, a bad mama confessing all of her wrong doings. I honestly don’t think my daughter is smart enough to read at 11 months old. I really did refuse to bathe her in bottled water or move into a motel while we put our toxic home on the market. I thought I was getting away with it until I received a rambling Facebook message that my non-mama friend sent to me. This was her only opportunity to talk to me about it, because I am very big and scary and mean (another reason why I am a bad mom).

            It’s a shame really, when everyone finds out you are a bad mom. All of the work you have been putting into for the past 14 months, trying to prove to everyone around you how awesome you are, and then someone catches you fucking up. And I came so close to fooling everyone. Rats.